26 March 2011


This is... day 3.  I'm feeling rather crappy.  I've been doing nothing that required heavy thinking or concentration.  I still feel close to tears.  Not sure how I'm going to cope, but I'll leave that for "one day at a time" stuff.  I've distracted myself by listening to the news, reading stuff and writing "fluff" stories.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy and/or discipline to do stuff that is more.. productive.

The return of blogging, and my favorite pastime, swearing. (whine/language warning)

I've been having troubles.  I haven't felt brave enough to say what or why for almost a year.  This is not a "Poor Me!" post or some sort of call for sympathy.  I just have shit I need to get off my chest.  I have problems I don't know how to solve and it's making me miserable.

1) Somehow, somewhere along the line, I've seemed to have lost all faith in myself.  I find myself falling into that old trap of beating myself up about. every. single. thing. that I do.  Nothing I ever do is good enough for myself.  I'm not pretty enough.  I'm not smart enough.  That standard sort of shit.

2) I've fallen back into my cave and find myself afraid of about 80 to 90% of people that I see.  I know that is not rational, and I know the vast, vast majority of people are too focused on their own problems to even give two spits about what I perceive as being wrong with me and why I should just stay home and stay out of everyone's hair. 

3) I've become, to put it bluntly, what I call hypersensitive hot-head. I will put it in bare bones to spare the gory details.  I was lead on by someone I was interested in.  A week of silence, despite my best efforts to get through to him.  I find out he's been seeing someone else... the whole time.  I got mad, REALLY mad, and said somethings to some people I probably shouldn't have.  I lost friends over it.  I miss them, but I guess I proverbially shit the bed, because I'm shunned now, even after appologising.  Even the friend that normally encourages me to use him as sounding board has told me to shut the hell up.  Damn.  I really fucked up. 

If I were catholic, I'd become a nun.  I'd go to one of those monastaries where no one speaks, except in prayer.  Maybe then I'd manage to be a tolerable person to be around.  I have the most rotten luck with men.  Probably why I don't tell many people when I'm seeing/talking to someone of interest.  Not even family.  At times, I feel so crumby and lonely that I almost wish I were lesbian or bisexual.  But that's not how the creator saw fit to make me, so I'll just have to deal with my male troubles.  As if my being lonely weren't enough pressure, my mother keeps nagging about grandchildren.  Both her and dad came from large families.  She has no grandchildren, while her baby sister and baby brother have great-grandchildren.  Oh, and did I mention that my extended family is mostly Mormon or Catholic?  Just to give you an idea of what sort of cultural/spiritual background I'm from.  Yeaaaaah.  Major guilt trips ensue.

I know I need help, I just don't know where to find it. 

4) My quest to find a job, almost any job, has been met with little success.  I'm stresssssssed out about that.  I need something soon, or else I'll have problems paying back the rest of that loan.  I'm praying my exams go well and that my family and I manage to find something down in Texas.  NO jobs up here for me.  Maybe I'll have better luck down there.