Fallout?

This is... day 3.  I'm feeling rather crappy.  I've been doing nothing that required heavy thinking or concentration.  I still feel close to tears.  Not sure how I'm going to cope, but I'll leave that for "one day at a time" stuff.  I've distracted myself by listening to the news, reading stuff and writing "fluff" stories.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy and/or discipline to do stuff that is more.. productive.

The return of blogging, and my favorite pastime, swearing. (whine/language warning)

I've been having troubles.  I haven't felt brave enough to say what or why for almost a year.  This is not a "Poor Me!" post or some sort of call for sympathy.  I just have shit I need to get off my chest.  I have problems I don't know how to solve and it's making me miserable.

1) Somehow, somewhere along the line, I've seemed to have lost all faith in myself.  I find myself falling into that old trap of beating myself up about. every. single. thing. that I do.  Nothing I ever do is good enough for myself.  I'm not pretty enough.  I'm not smart enough.  That standard sort of shit.

2) I've fallen back into my cave and find myself afraid of about 80 to 90% of people that I see.  I know that is not rational, and I know the vast, vast majority of people are too focused on their own problems to even give two spits about what I perceive as being wrong with me and why I should just stay home and stay out of everyone's hair. 

3) I've become, to put it bluntly, what I call hypersensitive hot-head. I will put it in bare bones to spare the gory details.  I was lead on by someone I was interested in.  A week of silence, despite my best efforts to get through to him.  I find out he's been seeing someone else... the whole time.  I got mad, REALLY mad, and said somethings to some people I probably shouldn't have.  I lost friends over it.  I miss them, but I guess I proverbially shit the bed, because I'm shunned now, even after appologising.  Even the friend that normally encourages me to use him as sounding board has told me to shut the hell up.  Damn.  I really fucked up. 

If I were catholic, I'd become a nun.  I'd go to one of those monastaries where no one speaks, except in prayer.  Maybe then I'd manage to be a tolerable person to be around.  I have the most rotten luck with men.  Probably why I don't tell many people when I'm seeing/talking to someone of interest.  Not even family.  At times, I feel so crumby and lonely that I almost wish I were lesbian or bisexual.  But that's not how the creator saw fit to make me, so I'll just have to deal with my male troubles.  As if my being lonely weren't enough pressure, my mother keeps nagging about grandchildren.  Both her and dad came from large families.  She has no grandchildren, while her baby sister and baby brother have great-grandchildren.  Oh, and did I mention that my extended family is mostly Mormon or Catholic?  Just to give you an idea of what sort of cultural/spiritual background I'm from.  Yeaaaaah.  Major guilt trips ensue.

I know I need help, I just don't know where to find it. 

4) My quest to find a job, almost any job, has been met with little success.  I'm stresssssssed out about that.  I need something soon, or else I'll have problems paying back the rest of that loan.  I'm praying my exams go well and that my family and I manage to find something down in Texas.  NO jobs up here for me.  Maybe I'll have better luck down there. 

Post-School Field Report #1

Well, been graduated and done with school for a whole week now.  I've done a whole lot of sleeping and I feel a little disgusted with myself.  But, nothing to be done about that, I've been chronically sleep deprived for about the past 2 years.  I suppose I should cut myself a little bit of slack there.  

When I'm not sleeping, I've been busying myself with getting all of my paper work to take the NCLEX-RN completed and doing up part of the garden.  If all goes well, I'll hear when I can take my exam in the next week or 2.  I feel a little insecure for not job hunting right now, but I know I'm not in the right frame of mind for that right now.  I'll just concentrate on studying for the boards and improving my health for the next few weeks.  After I hear what my exam results are, THEN I'll start the job searching thing with full effort, even if it is flipping burgers while I study for (Heaven forbid!!) attempt #2 at the boards.  

I'm still waiting on my Drexell videos come to me in the mail.  I'm making do with an NCLEX review book until I get them.  I feel pretty bummed out that there wasn't an in-person review class here in town, but there was nothing that could be done.  I know you're asking me why I haven't gotten all of this stuff done earlier.  1) I was too stressed out to do much more than pass my classes.  2) Excessive stress makes me a little to wound up and impairs my ability to think rationally.  "Sane" Sarah is just now resurfacing for the first time in 3ish years.  Yeah, I realize that it wasn't a smart idea to wait so long, but there's nothing I can do about it RIGHT HERE AND NOW.  So no use kicking myself in the pants over that one.  

Well, I'm going to sign off now and go back to bed.  I've got 101 and things to do Friday.  Better than the 202 things I had to do, starting Monday.  I'm making progress! 

Last Clinical of the Semester

Well, Friday night was my last night of clinicals as a student nurse.  I had a pretty good time.  I started out in the OB/Nursery area, but there wasn't much going on, so I got floated over to the Med/Surg area.  It was busy.  I like it when it is busy!  We had like 5 or 6 new admits and I got to help the nurses with the admitting and all that jazz.  I learned quite a bit and enjoyed myself.  After we reported off, did our documenting and had post conference, the teacher suggested we go to a local all night diner.  I normally would have said no thanks and skittered on home, but I decided to take a chance.  I was a little scared and left early, but I'm glad to got my proverbial toes wet.  I don't hate people, I just get a little anxious in group settings unless there are clearly defined boundaries, such as "patient" and "nurse."  I hope I can overcome that sooner rather than later. 

I'm excited to be just about done with school.  I just have to take my final exams and then I'm done.  Then I get to spend the next month or so studying to pass my boards.  Then job hunting.... We'll see how it goes.  =)

Emo pants! And a poem, sort of.

Sooo... I made the mistake of showing someone I know a poem I wrote last year. And now they've encouraged me to pursue my writing and "develop my skills." I figured, after I was done studying for the night, "What the heck?" I searched my memories and decided to write about how I've been feeling about lots of things. Feel free to lob rotten fruit.. er, comment! ;)
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The Dance Ends

I've been thinking
is this how it ends?

I've been wondering
was there something I should have done?

Then I remember
Trust is not owed
Trust is earned.

I won't do it again
I've won this time
even tho it feels like I've lost.

I've lost so much
that I don't know how to feel
when I've won.

I'm the dog who has chased cars
and finally caught one
and don't know what to do with it.

I will learn
one way or the other
how to handle this.

My successes
and my failures
are no longer your property.

I have learned to stand up
for myself, for others
and no longer need you belittling me.

I will be so much happier
than I thought possible.

And yea, she arose from the grave, shambled to the kitchen and fried some eggs.

It has been close to a year since I made a post on here. Pathetic, I know.

So far, I have passed my 3rd semester of nursing school and things are looking very likely that I will pass my 4th semester of nursing school and get my ASN degree. Depending on how well my exit exam goes, I plan on taking my NCLEX-RN exam sometime in July. If all goes well, I will be an RN by August. Yay! Now I just have find a job... not so easy in this market, but I have hope I can find at least a part time gig as an RN. I want the experience. Not to mention these student loans I need to pay off... And being able to work nights would be a HUGE bonus for me, I'm nocturnal by nature.

How have I been feeling since my last post? In a word: crappy. I've been sick alot and my asthma has been acting up something fierce. I've gone from using my inhaler MAYBE once a week to almost daily. It's been taking me longer to recover from things like the common cold. I've had to keep my inhaler in my pocket during my clinical hours for school. And I've needed it, too. =(

Be that as it may, I still think that the future is looking pretty good for me. I'll just have to fight harder than I had planned on fighting to make things go the way I hope they go for me. I've made it this far, I know I can make it all the way. I just didn't know that something I'd be fighting is my own health. I've been so tired and weak lately and I have literally have not had the time to go to the clinic to get checked out. Every minute of every day has something scheduled for me from now until I pass my state boards. Yes, I know that's not a healthy way to be. BUT, I have to do that to myself to get things done when I'm in my phase of feeling negative or stressed out. And baby, I have seen more stress than a toilet seat has seen butts!!

I've been questioning myself alot thanks to someone being a... less than upfront person... to me. However, one person does NOT have the power to change my plans for my future, and I won't give them the satisfaction of chasing me away from my chosen career path. Only the law can do that, so neener neener neener!! (Yes, I'm channeling my inner 2nd grader.) It just complicates my job search, that's all. And made me rule out a category of nursing to work in. Better I find out about that now as a student than as a licensed professional, right?

In short: I have been an angst factory for the past few months. Some of it has been all in my head, and some of it has been things I can't control. Yes, I've gone to counseling. It's been helping a little bit.

I should probably hook up with the school's career center. I know I need some work on making resumes and my interviewing skills. For all I know, I may have the interviewing skills of a troll, so some feedback from someone who knows what they are doing would be VERY helpful.

Well, I should get back to sleep so I'm not a zombie at clinicals. I'll see you when I see you!

In memorium

This work is dedicated to the memories of my cousins Cindy and Ivan. Rest in peace.

Saying Good-bye Is Never Easy

I sat on the ground as I watched the sun set.
I knew, despite the pain, that I would never forget.

I saw you smile.
I saw you laugh and cry.
I remember both the anger and the happiness you had.
I remember how hard it was,
how life had given you such a horrible start,
how it seemed nothing could ever go right,
or how it seemed like you had stopped caring for a long time.

Eventually, from somewhere deep inside or from on high,
perhaps both,
you found the will and the desire.
You wanted to make things right.

It was so hard at first.
Old habits were always hard to break.
But you managed to do it,
one step at a time.

You fought so hard and long,
and finally MADE things go your way.
You became heroes,
in your own way.

Life was finally good,
or so it seemed.
One day, out of the blue,
you were taken away.

You had done so much,
and had so much more that you wanted to do.
But the weavers of the thread of life had something else in store for you.
And we are left here,
missing you.