Post-School Field Report #1

Well, been graduated and done with school for a whole week now.  I've done a whole lot of sleeping and I feel a little disgusted with myself.  But, nothing to be done about that, I've been chronically sleep deprived for about the past 2 years.  I suppose I should cut myself a little bit of slack there.  

When I'm not sleeping, I've been busying myself with getting all of my paper work to take the NCLEX-RN completed and doing up part of the garden.  If all goes well, I'll hear when I can take my exam in the next week or 2.  I feel a little insecure for not job hunting right now, but I know I'm not in the right frame of mind for that right now.  I'll just concentrate on studying for the boards and improving my health for the next few weeks.  After I hear what my exam results are, THEN I'll start the job searching thing with full effort, even if it is flipping burgers while I study for (Heaven forbid!!) attempt #2 at the boards.  

I'm still waiting on my Drexell videos come to me in the mail.  I'm making do with an NCLEX review book until I get them.  I feel pretty bummed out that there wasn't an in-person review class here in town, but there was nothing that could be done.  I know you're asking me why I haven't gotten all of this stuff done earlier.  1) I was too stressed out to do much more than pass my classes.  2) Excessive stress makes me a little to wound up and impairs my ability to think rationally.  "Sane" Sarah is just now resurfacing for the first time in 3ish years.  Yeah, I realize that it wasn't a smart idea to wait so long, but there's nothing I can do about it RIGHT HERE AND NOW.  So no use kicking myself in the pants over that one.  

Well, I'm going to sign off now and go back to bed.  I've got 101 and things to do Friday.  Better than the 202 things I had to do, starting Monday.  I'm making progress! 

Last Clinical of the Semester

Well, Friday night was my last night of clinicals as a student nurse.  I had a pretty good time.  I started out in the OB/Nursery area, but there wasn't much going on, so I got floated over to the Med/Surg area.  It was busy.  I like it when it is busy!  We had like 5 or 6 new admits and I got to help the nurses with the admitting and all that jazz.  I learned quite a bit and enjoyed myself.  After we reported off, did our documenting and had post conference, the teacher suggested we go to a local all night diner.  I normally would have said no thanks and skittered on home, but I decided to take a chance.  I was a little scared and left early, but I'm glad to got my proverbial toes wet.  I don't hate people, I just get a little anxious in group settings unless there are clearly defined boundaries, such as "patient" and "nurse."  I hope I can overcome that sooner rather than later. 

I'm excited to be just about done with school.  I just have to take my final exams and then I'm done.  Then I get to spend the next month or so studying to pass my boards.  Then job hunting.... We'll see how it goes.  =)

Emo pants! And a poem, sort of.

Sooo... I made the mistake of showing someone I know a poem I wrote last year. And now they've encouraged me to pursue my writing and "develop my skills." I figured, after I was done studying for the night, "What the heck?" I searched my memories and decided to write about how I've been feeling about lots of things. Feel free to lob rotten fruit.. er, comment! ;)
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The Dance Ends

I've been thinking
is this how it ends?

I've been wondering
was there something I should have done?

Then I remember
Trust is not owed
Trust is earned.

I won't do it again
I've won this time
even tho it feels like I've lost.

I've lost so much
that I don't know how to feel
when I've won.

I'm the dog who has chased cars
and finally caught one
and don't know what to do with it.

I will learn
one way or the other
how to handle this.

My successes
and my failures
are no longer your property.

I have learned to stand up
for myself, for others
and no longer need you belittling me.

I will be so much happier
than I thought possible.

And yea, she arose from the grave, shambled to the kitchen and fried some eggs.

It has been close to a year since I made a post on here. Pathetic, I know.

So far, I have passed my 3rd semester of nursing school and things are looking very likely that I will pass my 4th semester of nursing school and get my ASN degree. Depending on how well my exit exam goes, I plan on taking my NCLEX-RN exam sometime in July. If all goes well, I will be an RN by August. Yay! Now I just have find a job... not so easy in this market, but I have hope I can find at least a part time gig as an RN. I want the experience. Not to mention these student loans I need to pay off... And being able to work nights would be a HUGE bonus for me, I'm nocturnal by nature.

How have I been feeling since my last post? In a word: crappy. I've been sick alot and my asthma has been acting up something fierce. I've gone from using my inhaler MAYBE once a week to almost daily. It's been taking me longer to recover from things like the common cold. I've had to keep my inhaler in my pocket during my clinical hours for school. And I've needed it, too. =(

Be that as it may, I still think that the future is looking pretty good for me. I'll just have to fight harder than I had planned on fighting to make things go the way I hope they go for me. I've made it this far, I know I can make it all the way. I just didn't know that something I'd be fighting is my own health. I've been so tired and weak lately and I have literally have not had the time to go to the clinic to get checked out. Every minute of every day has something scheduled for me from now until I pass my state boards. Yes, I know that's not a healthy way to be. BUT, I have to do that to myself to get things done when I'm in my phase of feeling negative or stressed out. And baby, I have seen more stress than a toilet seat has seen butts!!

I've been questioning myself alot thanks to someone being a... less than upfront person... to me. However, one person does NOT have the power to change my plans for my future, and I won't give them the satisfaction of chasing me away from my chosen career path. Only the law can do that, so neener neener neener!! (Yes, I'm channeling my inner 2nd grader.) It just complicates my job search, that's all. And made me rule out a category of nursing to work in. Better I find out about that now as a student than as a licensed professional, right?

In short: I have been an angst factory for the past few months. Some of it has been all in my head, and some of it has been things I can't control. Yes, I've gone to counseling. It's been helping a little bit.

I should probably hook up with the school's career center. I know I need some work on making resumes and my interviewing skills. For all I know, I may have the interviewing skills of a troll, so some feedback from someone who knows what they are doing would be VERY helpful.

Well, I should get back to sleep so I'm not a zombie at clinicals. I'll see you when I see you!

In memorium

This work is dedicated to the memories of my cousins Cindy and Ivan. Rest in peace.

Saying Good-bye Is Never Easy

I sat on the ground as I watched the sun set.
I knew, despite the pain, that I would never forget.

I saw you smile.
I saw you laugh and cry.
I remember both the anger and the happiness you had.
I remember how hard it was,
how life had given you such a horrible start,
how it seemed nothing could ever go right,
or how it seemed like you had stopped caring for a long time.

Eventually, from somewhere deep inside or from on high,
perhaps both,
you found the will and the desire.
You wanted to make things right.

It was so hard at first.
Old habits were always hard to break.
But you managed to do it,
one step at a time.

You fought so hard and long,
and finally MADE things go your way.
You became heroes,
in your own way.

Life was finally good,
or so it seemed.
One day, out of the blue,
you were taken away.

You had done so much,
and had so much more that you wanted to do.
But the weavers of the thread of life had something else in store for you.
And we are left here,
missing you.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Well, I suppose I should update this blog. I make no excuses. When life and school get busy, this thing takes a back seat.

Quick run down of what has happened since my last post on here:

1) I managed to pass my pathophysiology class. Not everyone in my class made the cut. =(

2) DURING FINALS WEEK, my family and I moved to a new house. Exhausting, but the house is nice.

3) I am taking some summer courses. I just finished the lecture and clinical portions of my psychiatric nursing class, now all I need to do is finish up the last bits of my care plan and turn that sucker in. I think my brain squeezed out of my ear and ran away screaming. I did NOT enjoy my clinical rotation AT ALL. I now know which area of nursing that I do not enjoy. I got my first experience with "countertransference" and it was not pleasant. DO. NOT. WANT.

4) I had a mini-freak out/breakdown/stress out crash and caught a cold for my trouble. I'm still honking my nose like a fog horn. This is related to my suck-tacular experience at my clinicals. That, and some jack off in the movie theater happened to be sitting behind me and sounded like he was coughing up a lung, a spleen and very possibly his shoes, too. Remember kids: SHARING IS NOT CARING WHEN IT COMES TO COLDS!

Aside from that, I'm pretty busy with finishing my care plan and getting caught up in my pharmacology class for the days I was out of town on said clinical. Here's to hoping that I pass these classes and am able to move on the the classes I need to take this fall.

I make text-y faces because they make me happy!

So... Yeah. I've been so busy that I've barely had time to catch my breath for the past 5ish weeks! I guess I'll just post the condensed version.

I got done with my clinical hours for the semester on Thursday. On one hand, I was happy to be done with them and be able to sleep past 5am again. On the other hand, I was sad that I would not be working with anymore patients until June. I especially liked my last patient. She was someone who had such a good attitude, a good sense of humor and a very kind heart.

I only have a couple weeks of school left until finals start. I have a butt-ton of material to cover in both my classes. Ugh! X_X At least the finals are not comprehensive, but it is still a LOT of material to cover!! This is why I am such a rare sight outside of my home or the college campus! I have time to eat, study, sleep, study, bathe, study... and did I mention, study? I can't afford to really do anything else, or my grade may dip too low. It's really frustrating. My English Literature class has been keeping me busy with writing papers, as well. I have to take this class, as it is a humanities category and the last "general" I need for graduation. After this semester, I only need nursing courses.

I don't even want to talk about how my nursing pathophysiology class is going. I'm passing, but I hear many folks are on the border line. The anxiety and stress that they emit is almost as bad as second-hand smoke! I can tell when it is affecting me. I don't know what I can do to help my classmates (that won't get me kicked out of school) and it's got me feeling pretty sad. I don't like seeing people feel as awful as many of my classmates are feeling. ;_; BUT, I can do without all the drama that is going on. I am SO damn sick of the "us against them" mentality that is starting to creep into everyone involved. >=(

So, anyways. The Princess is tired, exhausted, highly annoyed and ready to start biting people. Ain't life grand?