Emo pants! And a poem, sort of.

Sooo... I made the mistake of showing someone I know a poem I wrote last year. And now they've encouraged me to pursue my writing and "develop my skills." I figured, after I was done studying for the night, "What the heck?" I searched my memories and decided to write about how I've been feeling about lots of things. Feel free to lob rotten fruit.. er, comment! ;)
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The Dance Ends

I've been thinking
is this how it ends?

I've been wondering
was there something I should have done?

Then I remember
Trust is not owed
Trust is earned.

I won't do it again
I've won this time
even tho it feels like I've lost.

I've lost so much
that I don't know how to feel
when I've won.

I'm the dog who has chased cars
and finally caught one
and don't know what to do with it.

I will learn
one way or the other
how to handle this.

My successes
and my failures
are no longer your property.

I have learned to stand up
for myself, for others
and no longer need you belittling me.

I will be so much happier
than I thought possible.

And yea, she arose from the grave, shambled to the kitchen and fried some eggs.

It has been close to a year since I made a post on here. Pathetic, I know.

So far, I have passed my 3rd semester of nursing school and things are looking very likely that I will pass my 4th semester of nursing school and get my ASN degree. Depending on how well my exit exam goes, I plan on taking my NCLEX-RN exam sometime in July. If all goes well, I will be an RN by August. Yay! Now I just have find a job... not so easy in this market, but I have hope I can find at least a part time gig as an RN. I want the experience. Not to mention these student loans I need to pay off... And being able to work nights would be a HUGE bonus for me, I'm nocturnal by nature.

How have I been feeling since my last post? In a word: crappy. I've been sick alot and my asthma has been acting up something fierce. I've gone from using my inhaler MAYBE once a week to almost daily. It's been taking me longer to recover from things like the common cold. I've had to keep my inhaler in my pocket during my clinical hours for school. And I've needed it, too. =(

Be that as it may, I still think that the future is looking pretty good for me. I'll just have to fight harder than I had planned on fighting to make things go the way I hope they go for me. I've made it this far, I know I can make it all the way. I just didn't know that something I'd be fighting is my own health. I've been so tired and weak lately and I have literally have not had the time to go to the clinic to get checked out. Every minute of every day has something scheduled for me from now until I pass my state boards. Yes, I know that's not a healthy way to be. BUT, I have to do that to myself to get things done when I'm in my phase of feeling negative or stressed out. And baby, I have seen more stress than a toilet seat has seen butts!!

I've been questioning myself alot thanks to someone being a... less than upfront person... to me. However, one person does NOT have the power to change my plans for my future, and I won't give them the satisfaction of chasing me away from my chosen career path. Only the law can do that, so neener neener neener!! (Yes, I'm channeling my inner 2nd grader.) It just complicates my job search, that's all. And made me rule out a category of nursing to work in. Better I find out about that now as a student than as a licensed professional, right?

In short: I have been an angst factory for the past few months. Some of it has been all in my head, and some of it has been things I can't control. Yes, I've gone to counseling. It's been helping a little bit.

I should probably hook up with the school's career center. I know I need some work on making resumes and my interviewing skills. For all I know, I may have the interviewing skills of a troll, so some feedback from someone who knows what they are doing would be VERY helpful.

Well, I should get back to sleep so I'm not a zombie at clinicals. I'll see you when I see you!

In memorium

This work is dedicated to the memories of my cousins Cindy and Ivan. Rest in peace.

Saying Good-bye Is Never Easy

I sat on the ground as I watched the sun set.
I knew, despite the pain, that I would never forget.

I saw you smile.
I saw you laugh and cry.
I remember both the anger and the happiness you had.
I remember how hard it was,
how life had given you such a horrible start,
how it seemed nothing could ever go right,
or how it seemed like you had stopped caring for a long time.

Eventually, from somewhere deep inside or from on high,
perhaps both,
you found the will and the desire.
You wanted to make things right.

It was so hard at first.
Old habits were always hard to break.
But you managed to do it,
one step at a time.

You fought so hard and long,
and finally MADE things go your way.
You became heroes,
in your own way.

Life was finally good,
or so it seemed.
One day, out of the blue,
you were taken away.

You had done so much,
and had so much more that you wanted to do.
But the weavers of the thread of life had something else in store for you.
And we are left here,
missing you.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Well, I suppose I should update this blog. I make no excuses. When life and school get busy, this thing takes a back seat.

Quick run down of what has happened since my last post on here:

1) I managed to pass my pathophysiology class. Not everyone in my class made the cut. =(

2) DURING FINALS WEEK, my family and I moved to a new house. Exhausting, but the house is nice.

3) I am taking some summer courses. I just finished the lecture and clinical portions of my psychiatric nursing class, now all I need to do is finish up the last bits of my care plan and turn that sucker in. I think my brain squeezed out of my ear and ran away screaming. I did NOT enjoy my clinical rotation AT ALL. I now know which area of nursing that I do not enjoy. I got my first experience with "countertransference" and it was not pleasant. DO. NOT. WANT.

4) I had a mini-freak out/breakdown/stress out crash and caught a cold for my trouble. I'm still honking my nose like a fog horn. This is related to my suck-tacular experience at my clinicals. That, and some jack off in the movie theater happened to be sitting behind me and sounded like he was coughing up a lung, a spleen and very possibly his shoes, too. Remember kids: SHARING IS NOT CARING WHEN IT COMES TO COLDS!

Aside from that, I'm pretty busy with finishing my care plan and getting caught up in my pharmacology class for the days I was out of town on said clinical. Here's to hoping that I pass these classes and am able to move on the the classes I need to take this fall.

I make text-y faces because they make me happy!

So... Yeah. I've been so busy that I've barely had time to catch my breath for the past 5ish weeks! I guess I'll just post the condensed version.

I got done with my clinical hours for the semester on Thursday. On one hand, I was happy to be done with them and be able to sleep past 5am again. On the other hand, I was sad that I would not be working with anymore patients until June. I especially liked my last patient. She was someone who had such a good attitude, a good sense of humor and a very kind heart.

I only have a couple weeks of school left until finals start. I have a butt-ton of material to cover in both my classes. Ugh! X_X At least the finals are not comprehensive, but it is still a LOT of material to cover!! This is why I am such a rare sight outside of my home or the college campus! I have time to eat, study, sleep, study, bathe, study... and did I mention, study? I can't afford to really do anything else, or my grade may dip too low. It's really frustrating. My English Literature class has been keeping me busy with writing papers, as well. I have to take this class, as it is a humanities category and the last "general" I need for graduation. After this semester, I only need nursing courses.

I don't even want to talk about how my nursing pathophysiology class is going. I'm passing, but I hear many folks are on the border line. The anxiety and stress that they emit is almost as bad as second-hand smoke! I can tell when it is affecting me. I don't know what I can do to help my classmates (that won't get me kicked out of school) and it's got me feeling pretty sad. I don't like seeing people feel as awful as many of my classmates are feeling. ;_; BUT, I can do without all the drama that is going on. I am SO damn sick of the "us against them" mentality that is starting to creep into everyone involved. >=(

So, anyways. The Princess is tired, exhausted, highly annoyed and ready to start biting people. Ain't life grand?

Paying One's Final Respects

Today, people from my church gathered together to say our final farewells to a lady of our congregation. She was 95 years old and lived a full life. A very sweet, amazing person to know. She had known my parents since they were like 13 or 14 years old. Mom had been quite sad to see her pass away.

After the memorial service, we went to the cemetary. Funny thing, most of the people who showed up for the dedication of the grave were women. The fellow from the funeral home and our bishop were a little dismayed. Who were going to be the paulbearers?? There weren't 6 men who were healthy enough to carry the casket from the hearse! In the end, the fellow from the funeral home rounded up 8 of us women and we carried the casket which held the earthly remains of our friend to her final resting place. Our bishop had thought women paulbearers were fitting. All 8 of us were her friends or children of her friends. My mother, my sister and I were 3 of those 8 people. It may seem a little odd, but it felt like an honor to help lay her to rest.

This got me to thinking. Why has it always been (to my knowledge) men who were the paulbearers? When it comes time to "plant me in the dirt", I think I want 6 or 8 of my female friends and family to lay me to rest. (Unless I have a husband or any male family or friends that want to be paulbearers, then they would be welcome to join the women doing the job.) I also think, like my bishop, that it is entirely appropriate for women to be the paulbearers for another woman.

Opinions?

The Fashion Industry Should Die in a Fire For My Amusement

So, done with my second week of clinicals. I get a week off to recover. I feel really sad. I really liked my patients last week, they were able to talk about things. My other patients had pretty much been non-verbal, so this had be a real treat for me. It was fun to be able to talk about religions and not have any bat an eye or give you the "that makes people (who aren't even a part of the conversation) really uncomfortable, drop the subject, or I'll go tell on you!" lecture. I got to hear about great-grandchildren, what it was like to ride a horse in the desert and all sorts of other stuff. I'm no great conversationalist, but I do enjoy getting to hear what people think about things, as it forces me to try to think outside of my comfortable little "bubble."

My weekend sucked. I went clothes shopping. If you know me in person, you know that this almost NEVER goes over well. Such is the lot of this fat girl, it seems. Mind you, I made sure to go to stores that sold the plus or "fat" sizes and to stores that sold ONLY the "fat" sizes. You know, so I MIGHT have better than a snowball's chance in hell of finding something that fit and looked decent on me? What did I find? Jack and Shit. And Jack was out of town. I kid you not. NOTHING fit.

You know what made me break down in tears? One of the clerks (at the fat clothes store, no less) told me, "You shouldn't bother coming in here until you've lost like 4o pounds." AT THE FUCKING FAT CLOTHES STORE!! Let's be real here. My current dress size is a 26. (Yeah, yeah, take those "fatass!!" cat calls and choke on them, fat haters.) This store advertized sizes 12 to 30. Let me see... 26 is BETWEEN 12 and 30!! Logically, this shop should have had clothing in my size. Well... do socks count? Bras are nice, but I need something to wear OVER them in public.... Aside from that, not a fucking thing was to be found that fit. As I was driving home, still in tears, I realized I wished I had said to the clerk, "If I could lose weight with a snap of my fingers, would I even BE here, lady? By the way, how you treat someone who WAS going to be a paying customer? Shitty. Same for your attitude."

"Oh, you must be mistaken about your size, Sarah, you DID put on some weight!" Oh no, I am NOT mistaken. I took my measurements and they were pretty much what a size 26 in a dress would be. (Minus the ginormus boobies, darn it! I am the only fat girl I know who is not well endowed in the boob department. ;_; ) I even had a friend who makes dresses double check me! What is the damn deal here?! 100 pieces of size 12 clothes, a couple 16s to 18s, one 20 one 22 and two 30s do NOT cover the entire 12 to 30 spectrum!!

I think I'll just start buying more of my nursing scrub uniforms and wear those around. At least I know those fit. I hate wearing scrubs, but at least I'm not made to feel like an entire pig stuffed into a 1 pound sausaage casing while in them! I'm debating if I have enough spare time from my studying for exams, writing 2 research papers and somehow finding time to sleep and bathe, to take up sewing. I'm way past frustrated. One more incident like this and I'll just walk my ass naked around town. I'm half way serious, too.