Post-School Field Report #1

Well, been graduated and done with school for a whole week now.  I've done a whole lot of sleeping and I feel a little disgusted with myself.  But, nothing to be done about that, I've been chronically sleep deprived for about the past 2 years.  I suppose I should cut myself a little bit of slack there.  

When I'm not sleeping, I've been busying myself with getting all of my paper work to take the NCLEX-RN completed and doing up part of the garden.  If all goes well, I'll hear when I can take my exam in the next week or 2.  I feel a little insecure for not job hunting right now, but I know I'm not in the right frame of mind for that right now.  I'll just concentrate on studying for the boards and improving my health for the next few weeks.  After I hear what my exam results are, THEN I'll start the job searching thing with full effort, even if it is flipping burgers while I study for (Heaven forbid!!) attempt #2 at the boards.  

I'm still waiting on my Drexell videos come to me in the mail.  I'm making do with an NCLEX review book until I get them.  I feel pretty bummed out that there wasn't an in-person review class here in town, but there was nothing that could be done.  I know you're asking me why I haven't gotten all of this stuff done earlier.  1) I was too stressed out to do much more than pass my classes.  2) Excessive stress makes me a little to wound up and impairs my ability to think rationally.  "Sane" Sarah is just now resurfacing for the first time in 3ish years.  Yeah, I realize that it wasn't a smart idea to wait so long, but there's nothing I can do about it RIGHT HERE AND NOW.  So no use kicking myself in the pants over that one.  

Well, I'm going to sign off now and go back to bed.  I've got 101 and things to do Friday.  Better than the 202 things I had to do, starting Monday.  I'm making progress! 

On a Badass-ness scale of 1 to 10, I'm a -20.

No, it's not the sequel to the doll story. This is something of rather questionable quality that I decided to take a risk and share. A sort of look back at the things that didn't go right for me in life... and my turning around and giving it the "middle finger salute" to its face. I won the fight. It didn't. More moody than my usual wont. Feel free to use the air-sickness bags if you need.

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“The Dam Was Damned”

The dam breaks. The water rushes in, around and over.
Too long. Too long.
These hurts and feelings have been held back too long.
It hurts. Sweet Mercy, it hurts.

The poison is being drawn out, so it can no longer harm.
The body wants it gone.
The body and the spirit want it gone.
They want it gone NOW.

But Pride, always Pride, is in the way.
Vainly it tries to stop the crack with a finger.
But this day does not favor Pride’s little Dutch boy.
The village that Pride built will know destruction this day.

I fall to my knees. The village walls crumble.
Pain long hidden away runs like a captive animal from an opened cage.
Tears cloud my sight. The village is flooded.
The raging waters beat against the proud wall that is my throat.

I want to… and yet I don’t… give voice.
Voice to the pain, to the anger, to the offended sense of right and wrong.
Voice to the sadness and grief over what could have been.
I want to give voice so that the poison will torment me no more.

The waters rage and push with greater force.
It will not be denied. Dues must be paid.
Anger, hurt, grief and sadness have no cares for the prideful mind.
Pride never solved a problem. Pride never soothed a troubled soul.

At first just a ragged breath. And then a quivering jaw.
The waters have won. Pride has been washed away.
Then a sob, and then a howl. The torrents continue.
The waters pull the toxin with them as they speed on their way.

I lay there feeling utterly devoid of energy.
Where Pride’s village once stood, only a muddy mire remains,
Not even a ragged fence or piece of wall to remark that it was once there.
My eyes close, leading me to my first peaceful dreams in years.
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As always, feel free to speak your peace.